Polish Michaels Gerbils

Polish Michael's gerbils.

At a certain Pub, one Friday afternoon back in December 1902 give or take 87 years............

Polish Michael is standing at the bar with a puzzled expression on his face.

(The Barmaid, Sandra, sees him and walks over).

"Well now, Michael, what's with the long face?" asks Sandra

"I'm going to Poland for Christmas and I'm worried about leaving "the gerbils" on their own.

Here’s where the trouble starts….as Michael has a very strong Polish accent…..

(Sandra thinks he said "the Germans" as Michael quite often has foreign visitors).

"How many are there?" asks Sandra.

"Three" replies Michael.....

"I could keep an eye on them for you if you like" says Sandra.

"That would be very kind, I will leave the key for the house with you before I leave" says Michael.

"What would you like me to do?" asks Sandra.

"Well, if you could change their bedding every two days" says Michael

"Will you leave clean sheets out?" asks Sandra

"Oh no" says Michael..."I have some fresh straw and sawdust for them"

(Sandra looks horrified)

"Will they come in to the Pub for meals?" asks Sandra.

"Oh no" says Michael "they stay in their cage, they can't get out"

(By this time Sandra is looking seriously worried…)

"Shall I take them their meals?" asks Sandra.

"Oh no" says Michael..."just take them fresh water and nuts"

“How do they get their exercise?… do they play golf?” asks Sandra.

“Oh no” says Michael “they have a little wheel in their cage and they run around in it really really fast”.

NB (John Tilley (RIP) burst out laughing so loudly he had a nose bleed.....)

New Years Eve 2013

My New Years Eve 2013 & The Big Red Rubber Gloves

Must move in to the house....I've been building for the last 6 years. Fitted the gas cooker, the oven refused to work, no gas, no flame, no nothing. OK lets try the Rayburn thingy (big stove). Fired it up, excellent heat, loads of logs/coal mmmm looks good.....No heat to the radiators. 'Phoned Chris...……

"Disconnect some of the connectors in the roof....you must have an airlock".

I ventured up there with screwdriver/spanner/hope in hand. All looked good, disconnected three pipes, loads of air came out. Problem fixed?...... 

Tried the radiators, some were working and getting VERY hot, I'm obviously doing the right thing. Once more I ventured into the unknown, final connection was unscrewed, no air, no water.......ok, pull the damn thing right off. Hiss... hiss... hiss...hisssssss

Loads of air…. OH! damn whats that? HOT - bloody water.....VERY BLOODY HOT WATER. It hurts. Ouch.

(Now in my head I'm thinking how the hell am I going to get out this?...). Physically I'm quite strong, but when attempting to re-connect two plastic pipes with scalding hot water cascading (at incredible pressure) in my face/legs/nether regions what the hell do I do?.........

Pushing them together is stopping the water escaping but I can't reconnect them as the nut refuses to wind onto the thread. My son Charlie popped his head up into the loft..."Dad! Dad! where's all that water comi.....ah ERRRMM DAD!".

"CHARLIE!! turn off the water pump....it’s that red switch down there" Ok Dad.....My hands by this time were really hurting. Charlie's head appeared once again. "Which red switch DAD? there are two!"........ "Just bring me the BIG RED RUBBER gloves!"

At times like this you really need to reflect on your life and wonder whether the price of building a house on the side of a mountain is actually worth it or not.

The big red rubber gloves arrived....in the nick of time. Charlie was very confused.

I must admit it is VERY difficult to hold on to two scalding plastic pipes with one hand, then open the big red rubber glove and push ones hand into it. However God was on my side. Both hands were now protected by the big red rubber gloves, the problem was solved. Both pipes were grasped tightly and reconnected.

After a child is born, there is peace and tranquillity. As though the storm has passed. This was the feeling in my roof.

Right, now I need to go back to the caravans and feed my children.

Charlie volunteered to do the honours and prepare some tomato soup and toast...

Ah bliss, now I can relax. “Charlie, take Echo out to do her thing…..and make sure you put her back in the cage after you've taken her out please" I shouted.......

I went back to the house and carried on cleaning up my disasters.

15 minutes later.........

I walked into the caravan and checked on Echo in her cage.......she had laid the biggest number two I have ever seen a dog lay in my life, to add insult to injury she had also passed about a pint of urine..…

As I wandered around the caravan in a state of complete bewilderment I noticed that our last and final loaf of bread (what was left of it) was lying on the floor and had been chomped - by man's best friend............ "Echo".

“Charlie!”…………..

About time to open that bottle of Australian Jacobs Creek Sparkling.

Happy Days.